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Charlemagne Goodwriter

Your tour guide through a wasteland of largely useless and satirical guides. Guides, coincidentally, that I wrote.


How to Whitewash Your National Spy Organization

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Has this happened to you? You run your nation’s “intelligence” office, or it’s “security” office. You’re a spy. You do well, and you start gathering intelligence on the citizens of your own country. You order big companies to give you back doors into their systems. You build a giant data pipeline and you save everyone’s data indiscriminately. The press catches wind, and suddenly your organization is the subject of ridicule and scorn from the entire populace. Oops!

Don’t kick yourself too hard over it, it happens to the best of us. I mean look, everybody spies, right? Parents spy on their children, spouses spy on each other, and journalists spy on celebrities. So why is it only a big deal when our government does it?

That’s a great question. In this 3,300 word long guide, we’ll distill the reasons why government spying is the most hated over all other types. We’ll explain how you can sand off the rough edges of public opinion and put a civil, proactive face on your national spy organization. We’ll give you great tips for turning public opinion around. If you follow all the steps in this book, you’ll be the toast of the nation. Scout’s honor. (we’re sure Scout would tell you himself, but he’s had a lot to drink and he’s either shagging or puking at the moment)

But hey, don’t just take our word for it! Here are what other people have been saying about this guide:

“Hey, it’s (redacted). I was just reading this book about whitewashing a national spy agency. It’s pretty great. We should start implementing it’s ideas right away!”

-A Foreign Prime Minister (in a confidential call to his top advisor)

“After reading this book, I suddenly realize that it’s pretty cool that my government spies on me all the time. Why, I love my country and will never leave it!”

-(Redacted), Average citizen of your country

“I was about to be sentenced to a public execution by my countrymen when a sympathetic guard gave me a copy of this book. I read it cover-to-cover. I suddenly see everything I’ve done wrong! Too bad it’s to late to do anything about it. It’s a beheading for me, I’m afraid.”

-(Redacted) Satisfied customer. Well, sort of.

Pretty convincing, huh? We think so. And most of you think so too. Or at least, that’s what your emails say. Cheeky?

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