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Charlemagne Goodwriter

Your tour guide through a wasteland of largely useless and satirical guides. Guides, coincidentally, that I wrote.


How to Turn into a Cat

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How many times have you bristled at the trappings of humanity? The indignity of wiping your own bottom? The monotony of preparing and cooking your own food? How many times on the way to work have you seen a cat happily sleeping in the sun and felt a pang of jealousy? Does the phrase “reflexes of a cat” make you feel pretty shitty about your own reflexes?

Well, have you ever thought about doing anything about it?

You’re probably rolling your eyes right now, confident in the knowledge that there’s nothing you can do about it. If so, you’re what my domme calls an “ignorant little worm”. I may be happy with that type of assessment, but it’s my understanding that most people aren’t. Doesn’t it bother you to be called ignorant little worms? Doesn’t it? Does it? C’mon, tell me!

Wepsters dictionary defines “cat” as “Noun: Furry, one foot by two feet by six inches. Four legs, one tail. Stroke ‘im one way, he purr. Stroke ‘im other way, he hiss. No fatties.” Sounds like a sweet gig to me.

But why would you specifically (yes, you!) want to become a cat? Good question. Though your reasons will be largely personal, here are a few that I imagine will appeal to everyone:

  • Free love with furries
  • Survive falling from any height (supposedly)
  • Maybe Brian Setzer will write songs about you(!)
  • You’ll finally be able to lick yourself clean in public and people will think it’s cute
  • You get to make a lot more noise while having sex, embarrassment free, and people will throw free shoes at you!
  • Eight nipples! (females AND males!)
  • Anyone accusing you of being catty will sound stupid instead of fierce like otherwise
  • You’ll be able to laugh like Heathcliff (the cartoon cat, not the character from Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering Heights, who didn’t really laugh much at all anyway)
  • It’ll stop being weird that you masturbate to cat photos

Need a little help making the decision? Then consider these opinions:

“Meow, meow. Purr.”

-Eric Dolby, satisfied customer

“Listen to me you worthless hunks of flesh! I’m expensive, and if you don’t buy this book Charley won’t be able to hire me anymore. You should feel bad about that, but not as much as he will.”

-Cherry Brixton Steel, Charlemagne’s domme (unlisted, by invitation only)

“Who cares what the book’s actually about? I’ve read it, and you haven’t. That makes me better than you. Fact. Oh look, I think I’ll buy even more of Charlemagne’s books. Oh boy, I’m going to be so much smarter than you!”

-Jerry Crostner, Bloomvilleton, Illinois

Pretty convincing, huh? Yeah, I thought so. So look, the guide’s about 3,300 words, yeah? You go do whatever you have to, I’m going to sit here and watch the cash money roll into my bank account, Goodwriter style. Thanks!

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